The “Prayer of Serenity” asks for “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I thought of these words recently listening to an extroverted parent struggling over her introverted teen daughter. This woman is a very gregarious person who comes to life when surrounded by friends. On the other hand, her daughter likes spending time alone, listening to music, reading novels, and writing poetry.
When asked if her daughter seemed happy, this mother said yes, although she could not understand for the life of her how her daughter’s lifestyle could be satisfying to any adolescent girl.
No wonder the mother was having trouble identifying with her daughter’s social behavior, something she has not yet accepted that she cannot change.
We parents can teach our children many things. We can train them to good manners and pass along many of our values and beliefs. Conscientious parents have an obligation to teach their children civilized behavior and responsibility.
But this role of parents sometimes leads us to believe that we can mold our children into what we want them to be. And that expectation will result in disappointment every time.
There’s a limit to how much parents can impact the inborn natures of their children. If our child is shy, we can give him lots of experience in social settings and try to reinforce his confidence. But we cannot remove from him that reserved spirit that tells him to go slow when meeting new people.
If our child has a hot temper, it’s our job to teach her to refrain from violence or disrespectful language in her responses. But we can never put out the fire that burns in her when she feels riled up.
Recognizing what is our child’s inherent nature rather than a behavioral choice will save parents frustration. We learn to love our children who come into the world with personalities written on them already, even as we hope to stretch them to try other approaches. And all the while we pray for wisdom to know the difference.
