Insight emerges when we expose our stories to the light of day in the presence of someone we trust. While this phenomenon holds true for us at any age, telling our stories is especially helpful for children.
Children’s perceptions of their experiences may be somewhat skewed because of where they are developmentally and also because of their limited experience of the world. For example, preschoolers are very egocentric in their thinking. They believe everything that happens in the world is somewhat attributable to them. Instead of thinking that “the moon shines down,” they may think “the moon shines down on me.”
So preschoolers assume that whatever happens—even when it’s strictly the result of someone else’s actions—must somehow be their “fault.” When their parents divorce, little kids wonder if it’s because they still wet the bed. When they’re excluded at preschool, they may assume it’s because they can’t climb very high on the monkey bars and are therefore not worthy of friendship.
Older children internalize these events in much the same way. A preschooler who was excluded in the sandbox often becomes the third grader who lunches alone in the school cafeteria, and who’s become convinced that he will always be friendless. He doesn’t yet understand that in this big world there will be people who will relate to him, because for now he sees the 24 kids in his third-grade classroom as his universe.
Teenagers, meanwhile, have a fierce need to tell their stories and be understood—something they are convinced mom and dad are incapable of doing. So they confide in friends, in teachers, and ever so occasionally in us. Parents of teens switch gears on a dime, listening for those moments when adolescents lower their guards to spill the fragile contents of their hearts. For all their bravado, they have micro-dramas unfolding on a daily basis at school and they really do want to be heard.
No matter their children’s ages, one of parents’ more critical roles may be to serve as a sounding board. Some kids share more readily than others, for sure, but over time, even the most reluctant may confide in parents who attend and affirm without agenda. Our simply listening to our kids’ stories may empower them for inestimable health and happiness.
