A plaque on my desk reminds me of one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my work: “What people need is a good listening to.” While there’s often lots of talk in families, there is sometimes a mismatch as we fail to really “hear” what’s being said. Most families I know could sharpen their communication skills by learning to do a little OPERA listening.
No, I’m not referring to listening to Carmen or The Marriage of Figaro, although there are certainly merits to that activity.
Instead, I’m thinking about listening skills suggested by a mnemonic from Dr. Connie Keefer of Harvard Children’s Hospital.
Her notion of OPERA listening recommends that, if we really want to understand each other, we might begin with O-Open-ended questions or statements. These conversational prompts invite more sharing than questions that can be answered by one or two words.
P stands for a necessary ingredient missing in many conversations: Pause. Impatient in our communication, we ask a question and then go right on if the answer doesn’t come quickly. Keefer cites research that even when someone has something to say, it may take as long as 3.5 seconds for them to find words to say it. This silent pause may seem to last a long time, but often yields an important statement.
E-Eye-contact is a way to convey to a speaker that we’re listening with undivided attention.
R stands for repeat or restate, giving back the words spoken by another. It’s not rocket science, but saying back what we hear often encourages others that we really want more of the story, and they may provide it.
And A reminds us to ask for more information and to advise last. Parents often rush into giving advice to their kids before they’ve listened adequately to get the full story. Advice is more helpful if it follows a rich conversation.
Building the capacity to listen to others may challenge us. Straight-shooter John Wayne observed to one over-talker, “You’re short on ears and long on mouth,” a description which applies to many of us.
But within families, we have the opportunity to really know and support each other. More intentional listening helps us do that very thing.