Parents of multiple children complain that siblings’ squabbling is the most annoying challenge of parenthood. There is almost no slight too insignificant to launch a new outbreak in the ever-simmering civil war between siblings
The basis of the issue is competition for their parents’ affection. Children sense the possibilty that Mom or Dad may love the other better and must be ever vigilant so as not to lose their edge.
The flames of this dynamic are fanned by comparative talk from well-meaning parents who compliment one child within the hearing of another. Children must find a way to bring their siblings down when parents have kindly built them up.
Often, kids use these comments from parents in order to redefine themselves as opposites of their sibling. If mom comments what a “good” boy my sibling is, I’ll make a point of being a very “bad” girl, indeed. If my dad points out that my younger sister is socially gifted, I may stick my nose deeper into a book to show that I am an intellectual with no time for trivial social pursuits.
Comparing kids pushes them into roles that distinguish them from others. Within the tiny human sample of one family, comparison demands that children be defined by differences that may, in fact, be infinitesimal. If one child is musically inclined but her sibling is even more gifted, she may decide that she has no talent.
A family I know has three very bright children. Unfortunately, the parents have compared two of the siblings to the one who is truly a genius. The result? The other two decided they’re not smart, and have slacked off at school. The comparison has portrayed them as inferior students, and they are living up to that disappointing view in their (less-than) scholarly pursuits..
If parents can take a giant step back, they recognize their children have more in common than any one of them has with most other children. Rather than contrasting them for their differences, they can observe and celebrate all share.
Instead of forcing our children to assume a role because of our comparison to their siblings, we can simply acknowledge that each child is a unique, one-of-a-kind person—who probably has quite a bit in common with the other children in our family.
